Hello, my name is Bob and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 27 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send
them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1,000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!"

Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Phone booths once played an important cultural role in Western Civilization. Gang rubouts in the movies were more dramatic when the victim was neatly enclosed in a glass booth that shattered to hell when riddled with bullets. And college fraternities might have totally disappeared in the 1950s without phone booths into which to squeeze the "brothers" in an attempt to set a new campus record.

But now steel-plated, wall- or pole-mounted phones have replaced booths. One reason for this is that people were starting to use the phone booths to answer the call of nature. Imagine: They couldn't tell a toilet from a telephone!

Phone booths also occupied valuable space. In our spreadsheet world, everything has to justify its existence in the bottom line.

By the way, rumor has it that the old booths are now renting as studio apartments in New York City and San Francisco.